The Baker's Foil (and Cats)

[This fantasy of mine is in the possession of the dear sweet SugarBelle, whose collection of cookie masterpieces had me sitting at the computer for hours, putting off actually making my own cookies because I couldn't stop looking at all of hers.]

Why Nothing Can Ever Be Simple

[I want everyone to know that I had this completely written out and the save button lied, so all my clever quips had to be replaced by not so clever quips.  Creativity can run out.  And what's there now is nothing like what I wrote the first time.  That is all.]

Remember the witch in the story of Hansel and Gretel?  She lured them to her gingerbread house, stuffed them with sweets until they were fattened, them cooked them up and ate them.  This past Halloween, I was that witch.  It's what happens when a baker celebrates Halloween.

I made three kinds of cookies: gingerbread, chocolate, and basic sugar cookies.  All accounted for, this meant about a hundred cookies, the preparing of which was spread out over a few nights.  Decorating them took over four hours on its own.  Was it worth it?  You tell me.

I didn't really have Halloween-y cutters.  I had a few animals, some tools, ninjas, and a mustache.  Mom sent me some ghosts and a wolf/cat/bear cutter just in the nick of time.  (Thanks, Mom!)  There had to be a way to make these sufficiently Halloween-y.  These are some of my "normal" attempts.  

...eh.  Pretty basic.  With a hundredish cookies, sometimes you have to be.  But I'm not a simple person.  I have to do things differently.  Or something.  These were just too cute.  I like puppies just as much as the next person, more so, even, but with something as tempting as animal cookies for Halloween, I can't just leave them so...ordinary.  I tried to be good.  I tried to be normal.  Instead, I got creative.  My macabre side (which isn't very hidden) came out in full.  I worried about what my roommates would think.

I also worried if I might be excommunicated or reported to the proper authorities.  Is this normal?  The frog is practically vomiting gore.  Those tools were clearly weapons of murder.  The butterfly is made of anatomically-correct bloody phalanges.  (Not the one in the picture--a different one.)  The cow is a carcass.  The chicken will feast on your soul.  There was another certain cookie, but it was too bad for even me, and I had it taken care of promptly.

I have to wonder about my sanity sometimes.  Do I have too much fun?  I once made a Christmas cookie look like Frankenstein's monster.  A Christmas cookie.  It was a basic pine tree, but with a bloody gash held together by sprinkle stitches.

I suppose it's time to admit I have a problem.  A delicious, high-calorie problem.  And I enjoy every minute of it.

P.S.  Ignore the unfortunate ghost at the bottom of the picture.  Sometimes cheap-o plastic baggies just can't handle piping.

How to Know You're Growing Up

It's been a year (and a little more, but let's not split hairs) since I started college.  I've learned a few more things.

1. Everything has loopholes.  If they say you can't have pets in the apartment and then take the time to specify what they consider to be a pet, anything they don't point out is therefore not considered a pet.
2. The only cooking supplies I like are the ones my mom has.  Unfortunately, they don't make them anymore.
3. Do the extra credit.  Those little bitty points will mean a whole lot more in the end.
4. There are a lot of people in the world that really do not know how to cook.  I'm finding out that a lot of them are women.
5. Washing someone else's dishes is much easier than washing your own.
6. It's okay to be nerdy.  Almost everyone is, anyway.  Just don't take it to hipster levels.
7. Try new things.  Ice blocking is terrifying, but you'll be glad you at least tried it.
8. Friendships are fleeting and usually last only a semester.  Solid friends are hard to come by.
9. You don't have to share everything.  Still, it's nice to leave cookies for your roommates.
10.  There really are some bad teachers out there.  Not sure what it is...they're just bad.
11.  There's also some amazing teachers that really get you psyched for lecture.  They somehow make up for the other teachers' inadequacies.
12.  No matter how small your kitchen is, you can always make beautiful things in it.
13.  It's okay to let other people help you.  Sometimes they can save your bagels.
14.  Bacon is delicious and good with maple syrup.  It is also sharp.
15.  One of the greatest tools you can have in your kitchen is a pastry cutter.
16.  It's okay if people don't hire you.  It's okay that they don't even tell you they're not going to hire you.  Keep looking.
17.  Changing your major is okay, too.  Those classes for the other major do come in handy.
18.  Some classes, like public speaking, aren't required.  That doesn't mean they aren't useful.
19.  Sometimes the desserts you put the most time, effort, and planning into won't be as fawned over as the mess of peanut butter and marshmallows someone else threw together at the last minute.
20.  Of all the people I see in a day, I don't remember what any of them were wearing or how their hair looked.  I remember what they smelled like.  Focus on what's important.

The Best Things Don't Have to Be From the Black Market

You know what bugs me?  Not knowing what to get people for their birthdays, Christmas, Mother's Day, etc.  And then the time comes where you ask them what they want and they can't think of anything off the top of their head.  I know, it's what I say every time.  Sure, some people want their friends to just know what to get them based on their super-close friendship, but really, that's like expecting a man to be able to read his wife's mind.  It's not going to happen.

Therefore, I propose everyone create a living list of things they like, things that anyone could get for them because we all know that you like them.  Here, challenge accepted.  I'll go first. 

- Standard size baking cups.  They're always useful, I happen to have a constantly depleting stash, and they're so gosh darn cute.  You really can't go wrong with them.  The mini ones are fun, too.  And so many colors!  I could have an entire cabinet dedicated to them.

- Floss picks.  One of my favorite inventions.  And part of what makes dental hygiene particularly enjoyable for me.  This is what I'm talking about.

- Cookie cutters.  Even the unconventional shapes.  Some of my favorite sugar cookies were the ones we made with the cutters that obviously never were shown any love (the foot or teddy bear, for example, were especially fun).  Also, dinosaurs.  Like these ones that actually look like dinosaurs.  Not these lame ones that look like penguins and slugs.  And I guess any animal that's cool, like sharks or moose.  Or turtles!  So long as they actually look like what they're supposed to be, and not some weird wobbly blob of shape.
- And since I saw this, I now add sprinkles to the list.  Interesting sprinkles.  But the usual are okay, too.  Here are some examples.
- Now that I'm baking lots of sugar cookies, I'm decorating lots of sugar cookies.  Food coloring goes quickly, especially black.  I've been using these, mostly, and I think they work pretty well.
- As I have just said, I'm a baker.  I go through a lot of flour and sugar.  Like, ten pounds in a week or so.  So, even though it's food and not your typical Christmas gift, I'd be happy with supplies as gifts.  It's also kind of embarrassing to buy four boxes of unsalted butter at a time...

Well, there's a few.  But, see, this is a living list, so when I think of something else, I can just add it on to the rest of the list.  I encourage all of you to make a list of your own, or I'll be forced to get you something stupid every time.  [update: I include links to pictures and sites to be helpful and offer examples.  That doesn't mean that what I have linked is the the only one I'm interested in.  Now that I have three jars of cow sprinkles, and only cow sprinkles, I feel it's important to state this.]

Why (for a moment) I Felt Like Dean Koontz

     See, I have this thing.  

     There are some tasks where I do only what's necessary or expected, nothing fancy.  Just...enough.  I don't go for anything spectacular, jaw-dropping, or even worth a glance.  This is usually how school assignments go.  I do what the teachers want, and that's good enough for me.

     Then there's times where I go all out.  I have an inspiration, a vision, and I do what I can to make that dream a reality.  Provided it's relatively quick to do.  In this case, about four hours is quick.

     It all started in my science class, where my teacher and TA have a shared fixation on dinosaurs.  Every class has a picture of a dinosaur in it somewhere.  Every week, I learn of a new dinosaur. (And a new shark, but that's irrelevant here, even though it's cool.)  Dinosaurs dinosaurs dinosaurs.  It's awesome, but there are some unforeseen side-effects.  Especially since it's approaching that time of year when pumpkin carving is accepted as a pastime.  Yes, that's exactly where I'm going.

     Behold, the mighty T-rex!!

     And here's a candle-less shot...

     A friend of mine and I shared in the carving experience.  We picked out our pumpkins in a grocery store after a football game, arranged the New York Times on the floor of his building's lobby, and set to work at about 5:30 on Saturday.  He was done at seven.  I was done at nine.  I told him I'd take a long time.  He took the opportunity to add some extras to his already thrilling pumpkin.

     Anyway, we set them outside by moderately frequented walkways so people could see our pumpkins in all their glory.  There were questions like "What is that?  Is that a dinosaur?  How long did that take you?  (and my personal favorite:)  Are you an art major?"  We let them sit out there overnight, and, sadly, Mr. Jackson some ended up on the ground in pieces...but this is BYU, so I'm going to pretend that it just fell.  Very hard.

     Worried that Alan (it was suggested that I name it) might face a similar challenge, I moved him to the bench in front of my building.  Sunday afternoon, I was hesitant to see gourd shards littered on the sidewalk, but I had to know if Alan survived.  I was pleasantly surprised by what I found instead.

My favorite part is the end...

     My mind was boggled as well.  I moved it back to that original moderately frequented walkway spot for the day (the worst stuff always seems to happen at night, you know?).  Later, Sunday evening, as I happened to pass it on my route, I noticed someone sitting in front of it, sketching.  The conversation went something like this...

Me: "Hi..."

Him:  "Hi.  Cool pumpkin, huh?"

"Oh, uh...thank you."

"Wh-...you me-...you carved this?"

"...uh huh..."

-stands and offers his hand- "Wow, it's really good.  I'm [John or Jared or something]."

-hesitantly follows through with the handshake- "Um, thank you.  Are you...drawing it?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm a graphic design major.  This is really good."

"Wow, um...thank you [again]." -starts to leave-

"Oh, what's your name?"

"I'm Zoe..."

"Right, well, have a good night!"

"Yeah, you too..." -ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh-

     It was like being a famous author or something.  Completely caught me off guard.  Luckily, it hasn't really happened since.  Alan was reported to still be alive this morning, but as of this afternoon, he's disappeared, along with the note.  There wasn't shrapnel anywhere, so I'm thinking it was just the BYU landscaping crew cleaning up, something like that.  Some have suggested that it might have been stolen.  Who's to say?  On one hand, I'm glad the "popular" days are over.  On the other, it makes me want to carve another pumpkin.  Something a little more anonymous.  Something a little more...school-spirit-y.  You'll see.

Stay crafty, my friends.

Tom Cruise Would Be Proud

Project: 10152011.223

Mission_Summary

Information regarding a certain project was received approximately one week prior to today.  This project was previously conceived to be impossible, and pursuit of this project was terminated before the project was to be initiated, or a request communicated, because of miscalculated inadequacy of time.  Undisclosed sources have disclosed the project's existence, causing a complete meltdown and rewiring of facility priorities.  The project was assigned code: RED.  Every effort to complete the project was enacted, with the result of project completion.

Project Name: Candy_Corn_Baby_Hat  [10152011.223]

Date of Assignment: None

Project Response: Challenge_Accepted

Project Status: Mission_Accomplished

Additional_Notes:

_Contact information available for future missions.

_Do not underestimate the facility.

Frankly, my dear...

I've learned a few things since moving from California to Utah.  Most of these things have to do with altitude, and the weird stuff that comes from it.  The other bit seems to be cultural, but may just be college.  Here's a nifty list:


20 Things I've Learned Since Joining the Bubble

1.  You get dehydrated faster than the locals.

2.  So you have to drink more water.

3.  Therefore, if bathrooms were airplanes, I'd be a frequent flier.

4.  Your hair dries faster.  Sooner than you'd anticipate.

5.  Tissues are good to keep on hand in case of sudden nosebleeds.  Like on Sunday mornings.

6.  A flight of stairs at home is a lot easier than a flight of stairs here.

7.  You can buy individual eggs.

8.  You have to bring something to carry them in if you do.

9.  Cookies are flat.  There doesn't seem to be any way around this.

10.  If you have a muffin pan, loaf pans are a joke.  So are cake pans.

11.  Chocolate milk is of the gods.

12.  Western Family makes EVERYTHING.

13.  Shoes wear out reeeeal fast.

14.  You can't dress according to the weather.  You're just going to have to suck it up and get used to it.

15.  Anything you need should be within a fifteen minute walk.  If it's farther than that, it's not that important.

16.  Jaywalking is like breathing.  Everybody does it.
17.  When people ask you where you're from, you have to name the closest major city to your actual hometown.
18.  It's important to go to football games with people who know practically everything about football.  This makes for a much more enjoyable (and knowledgeable) experience.
19.  Vending machines are a wonderful thing.
20.  And lastly, naps are like chocolate milk and jaywalking.  Of the gods, and everybody does it.